Under the ANGER… more mess, less stress

20 Feb

Amazing. I’m stunned. A forceful, intentional look at my problem with anger and all of a sudden I am through the mind field. Honest. It took more than 2 solid months of daily tracking my thoughts, and curbing my reactions. In that time I have confronted both of my mental adversaries, Gavin my Ex husband and ImageJoanna my mother. Both have violated boundaries and taught me to accept their reality as my own. Bad thing to do. 

So under the anger I found a gift. I found some wounds, nothing huge just mere blemishes if I may. I found the fear of finances to be one, and tied right beside that is my self worth. It’s not that I think I’m worth nothing, but I do want to give away my advice, my knowledge and my services for fear of being rejected. I don;t want to stick my neck out there and be told “Sorry but we’re not interested.”

No one wants to be damaged more than we already are. We don’t want to hurt. But under my anger is my hurt. I can control when I get angry, I can’t control when someone is going to hurt me, or so I thought.  Focusing on a bad thought or worry will produce anxiety. I look at anxiety as a symptom. It means something is happening that is out of my control and I want to stop it from continuing. But can I really do that? If I can’t, then I need to stop right there!

Learning about me is a journey. Stopping my anger is a blessing. So I got duped and lost a chunk of my life, how is anger going to fix it? So I got the short end of the stick, my kid loves me even if he prefers the no rules at dads house. Money might be scarce, but I have so much potential, and sales can skyrocket at any time. 

It’s time to shit or get off the pot, as they say in AA. I’m gonna flush now, perhaps you should do the same.

 

 

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DARK road Brightening TOday

14 Feb

Just when you think  you are doing good, it slowly drags you back. What is this web of a mess that once  I am left alone with my abuser, the cycle immediate replays itself. Why is the control of my life so Imageenticing? When will it stop. I often wonder if I am cursed from this wretched man and his antics. If my life is not on the line then I worry about what he is doing to my son.

My days this past month have been filled with roller coaster emotions. I am newly engaged to a man that outweighs my abuser by 100 lbs and I am still afraid. Every sentence out of his mouth is meant to trap or toy with me. From lawyers to doctors, to sports, counseling and tuition… he is fully engaged in disrupting my peace. Maybe I let him. I can’t really blame him but  I’ve felt too ashamed to come back and blog.   My days are dark and I am fluttering along wanting life without fear.

QUESTION; if you have overcome abuse, how did you do it? Is it really a process. And if so how can I implement good thinking and maintain my peace?

Link

Anger is not YOUR FrienD

27 Jan

Anger is not YOUR FrienD

This article hit me straight between the eyes. As I began to let go of fear, my anger surfaced in other areas. Great article on how to not GET angry, rather than how to MAnagE the Angry me.

Frustration UNDER gift WRAP!

22 Dec

Imagine the scene, I show up for a counseling appointment where my son is supposed to work on his anger, and GAVIN is there. Not only is he not supposed to be here, but he is a chummy chum with the counselor, they know each other. AT this point I had a choice to make. Stew in my anger like meat in a croc pot or release it.

I chose the release mechanism. Here’s why. My son getting help, is all I should care about. When I stay focused on my responsibilities and not Gavin’s then I am all right. As soon as my mind slides over to how Gavin wants to control things or has manipulated the situation I get off kilter, he enjoys the chaos and I lose because I spiral in to anger, split into the pit of fear and then brood in the mix. In the end I feel like a homeless dog with a wounded leg, who’s been covered in mud!

I’m READY for the F*^% word

19 Dec

Whew. I’m here. Standing on the other side of the madness I endured. And I did endure it for as long as I allowed it come. For a woman like me, I do believe that I have a choice in the way my future plays out.  Arriving here was a rocky road but I ran that race as best I could. It’s only been 16 months since I began my awareness walk, i.e., recovering from the abuse.

If I am not careful I can relapse into the pit of FEAR and ANGER that befriended me. These are not the friends I want to associate with. Rather I am interested in some peppy, long standing associates that I have seen on and off but never had the courage to entertain. They are stability, peace, self worth,  and forgiveness. Did you read that? It is my F word, the F bomb. I am choosing to no longer react to my life but to make my choices regardless of the options. I know where I am going. I know the dreams that I am returning to. I love the freedom I have in not being tied to the madness behind me.

I don’t feel bad for staying in the warped marriage. I don’t even feel the burden that crippled me in some earlier posts. What was the point in reflecting on what I did wrong, when how I behave now is what counts. My behavior now paves a healthier path for my son and myself. I am walking out my dreams this Christmas. Here I come!

 

Tackling FEAR

5 Dec

It’s not natural to allow your child to enter the home of danger. No one chooses to allow bad things to happen in their own life, never mind that of your own flesh and blood.

So how does a parent, let go of that hand and trust that their precious one will be taken care of. The answer is simple and powerful if you believe it.

When my son heads to Gavin’s house, he is on guard constantly. From staying up till midnight unaccompanied to playing X-box all day, the rules change at Gavin’s house whenever he disapproves of my son. If I call there and my son talks to me, he gets grounded. If his father calls while he stays with me, and he does not answer, he takes away my son’s video games privileges. One day there will be a 2 hour lecture on vocabulary and the next, its to hell with homework, let’s go do back flips in the pool which ended up in a concussion. No matter what it is, the rules always seem to change. One week he is paying for my son’s youth ski trip as a Christmas present, and the next week its cancelled. (We all know the idea)

So, I offer consistency and my case builds as I manage what I call TACKLING FEAR Era.

Today, my son will venture to his dad’s after art class. (Something new we are trying) I am using the teen social system to get my kid into more activities and therefore more of a chance to have less pressure put on him. He wants to play hockey at school but his dad has changed his mind 3 times this season. He was on the team but not allowed to practice on the days his father had him after school. Then he was taken off the team in total. Now he is allowed to play at games but is banned from practice. Does this make sense, aren’t we teaching him that he can bend the rules like his dad? You can bet the coach, the school office and my kids teachers often scratch their heads at the bizarre decisions his father makes.

Someone told me last week that I needed to do three things to get my emotions on the other side of this situation.

  1. I need to deal with the anger I have over the situation, and how I chose this lunatic as a spouse. I need to forgive myself and deal with letting myself down, feel the embarassment for making such a poor choice but let it go.
  2. I need to get my thoughts off what could happen, what did happen and what might never change. Everything changes. I can change. I need to do what I can and that doesn’t mean exhausting every means necessary to get my son away from his dad. If it could have been done, it would have.
  3. I need to focus on my environment and creating a sustaining loving home, where my son can see the difference between both homes and judge for himself who his father is. I need to not be critical of my kid, but praise him and give him chores, make him study and not reward him for mediocrity. Kids need a challenge. He needs someone to help him deal with his life. I can’t fix it!

I don’t see this a surrender at all. I see it as wisdom. My sister spent over a 120,000 dollars fighting her ex husband for custody. No one won. He has moved to 3 different states and dragged the kids all over the mid-Atlantic. It was a 4 year battle and the kids no longer want to see their father, because of the manipulation, it was a decision that just came naturally.

So here’s what I am doing. I am allowing myself to become a better parent. I am not allowing my son to talk to me the way his father did. I am trying a new therapist for him, hoping it will give him the confidence to know that someone other than me, will listen. I’ve decreased my mother hen routine, added responsibility, loosened the reigns and am calming down. If you read this blog, you should be able to see the difference in my tone.

Share any thoughts you like. I like hearing from you.  SilentMind@hush.com

 

Anger ManaGEmenT….. AGAIN

4 Dec

I’m a mom. I am not supposed to lose it! But we all do, especially the stay at home mom’s. Husbands, you may never know the emotional tilt-a-whirl we ride every day. Us mom’s have forged our own secret club. We know what it takes to clean, prepare, revise, manage, forecast, defend, oppose, attack, confront, control, relax and more often “wing it.”

Despite my best efforts to remain calm and cool while I parent through my 2nd holiday as a single woman, I am new to the tilt a whirl of emotions. While I am not sad for what I lost, and have accepted my freedom, I am sad for my son who does not understand but is also trying to accept and still enjoy his life. This is hard.

I pressure him to finish homework, and help me decorate. I yell at him to hurry through dinner and get to practice. I try to hug him and I joke with him as Italian’s do but I never quite connect with this brave young man. A tween who knows his father is ill but he loves him just the same. A teen who sees mom becoming friends with a man he barely knows, but actually respects.

He is living in a world where his dad and mom do not talk for safety reasons but where he is left to fend the rage and manipulation of paranoid father who lives in an make believe world. I trust in God, update my lawyer, pray for peace and give out love. I do this because its the best alternative out there. I cannot fight for my son more than I am. I need to be here for him. But I am mad, and at the end of the day I wish I could take back the decision to marry young, and to marry someone who needed professional help. I brought my own baggage into the marriage and compounded issues upon his own. I was not understanding but misunderstood, I was not patient but disconnected.

Merry Christmas dear readers. I wish you a blessed season where you are greeted by smiles and warmth as you unravel your mind and enjoy the splendor of Christmas.

the Fall of Healing

19 Nov

I wanted a new life. A new outlook, where each day presented me with opportunities not problems. Truth is, I no longer wanted to tie my identity to my anxiety, I wanted to find out who I was. At times I felt blessed, drowning in talents and abilities that I refused to share with the world. What would happen if I let myself dream? Could I stand on my own if I stopped putting myself down. My upbringing taught me a few negatives. While I was repeating the mistakes of my parents by always putting myself down, I must say they did it ever so gently. I twas constant, the steady stream of guilt that ran beneath the current of our house.

Nothing was ever met unchallenged. Not a friendship, lover, idea, or promise. Was nothing cherished? Did we matter? My siblings and  I were not neglected but we were ignored. We were not abandoned but we were abused. That environment has filtered my thinking. My thinking is often not my own, but a replay of events from past experiences.

Now I want my own experiences.

(Writing this from a romantic inn with a man who is nothing like Gavin. A man who may have won the heart I kept so locked up inside, that even I don’t recognize it.)

The Swirls of Lunacy

13 Nov

So he’s still undiagnosed, right. Did I ever tell you that Gavin is a school teacher? That’s right this hallucinating genius works with our teens. How he hides his behavior, I don’t know but the other day I got pulled over for speeding.

Did I get a ticket, NOPE. Want to guess why??? Well the officer happened to recognize my last name. He politely returned to my driver side window and said, maam why does Avery sound familiar?

I smiled and said, “That’s because my ex husband and I have been in and out of court to battle over a restraining order.”

The straightened up and his eyes softened. “You’re in my district,” he replied.

I reminded him of the incident the year before when Gavin was escorted on the premises to remove items from the house. Gavin played games with the police, calling them to arrange a meeting place and then never showing up. This went on for about 40 minutes. The officer got irritated. The day was rescheduled and the same thing happened.

I fled the scene, leaving someone else to handle Gavin. But here I was a year later, sitting with my window rolled down as the same officer recalled the scenario. “This is the guy with the swords.”

“That’s him!” Why I was smiling I can’t tell you, but part of me just loves it when rational citizens hear these details because they are that bizarre.

“Is he leaving you alone?”

I smiled again. “Let’s just say he moved down the street,” I told him. I continued on to explain where.

The cop grinned and took a breath. “That’s not a good neighborhood.”

So the story ends about here. Except for when I told the cop that Gavin had taken me to a knife and gun shop looking for a pocketknife he could carry legally, in case one of his students got out of hand.

At that point the officer urged me to go to the school board. Which I have yet to do.

Beating DOWN Anxiety

29 Oct

So you’d think that a weekend away would be a good thing. Not when you are me. Being away from home and in a strange environment can fill a whole bucket with new problems. This weekend was one of those weekends. After having my son stay with GAVIN for 3 full days and nights, I had to go out of town. It was a Christian Event, which sounds peaceful and serene but not for my mind. It wandered. Its like a raging machine that looks for problems, creates turmoil, robs me of my rest and also feeds on my insecurities. 

For me, I’ve identified my core fear. I don’t want to be unloved. That is every woman’s internal battle. We feel that no one will love us just the way we are and we need to modify ourselves. We self love too. We buy things, paint things, lift certain other things and present ourselves like little packages. Which one will they choose, will they pick me?

It’s a game really, a cruel, unintentional game. But I fell into it once again. I invaded the privacy of a loved one just to see what they had said about me. Did it blow up in my face? NO. But it has made me shrink down quiet low. I feel loved more, now in this midst but I am acutely aware of my problems of insecurity. I am thankful that I didn’t ruin this blissful weekend and I am learning. But I also am becoming aware of the monster mind inside my head. (Stay off the carbs has helped, chocolate not included) 

 

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